With a face as bright as the orange sky of an Easter sunrise service, Donald Trump and the rest of the new-millennium Munsters currently occupying 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue hosted their first White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday on the South Lawn of what they now refer to as “Mar-a-Lago North.” The 139-year-old celebration of Easter and spring soon devolved into a dumpster fire that serves as an analogy for what has happened to America under the presidency of Sir Golfs-a-Lot. Here’s a countdown of the five best moments from the squalid shit show that was today’s White House Easter Egg Roll: 5. This little boy’s face in every photo: Check out the kid on the right. He looks like he’s saying, “I wanna go home. I don’t like the Great Pumpkin!” 4. This tweet: 3. Not enough eggs: Even with the diminished crowd size, the Washington Post reports that 3,000 more people attended than eggs were ordered. How do you host an Easter-egg … [Read more...] about The Top 5 Moments From the White House Easter Egg Roll Dumpster Fire
Easter egg roll
I’ve always thought Easter was a bullshit holiday. Unlike most proper holidays, you don’t get a day off of work or school. The Easter Egg hunt holds neither the candy quality nor the door-to-door salesman charm of trick-or-treating. Peeps are a culinary atrocity. And I don’t look good in pastels. Easter is the too-thin ribbon of frosting on the dry hot cross bun of life. So how did I find myself shivering outside the White House on a frigid Monday in April, volunteering for the White House Easter Egg Roll? The answer is one part luck, and nine parts sheer stupidity. On February 13, I submitted an application to volunteer at the White House Easter Egg Roll as a joke. I figured my application wouldn’t past the laugh test: A cursory Google search of my name would turn up the countless negative blog posts, articles, and tweets I’ve written about Donald Trump and his toxic administration. Surely, some poor schmuck at the White House Visitors Office would … [Read more...] about I Infiltrated the White House Easter Egg Roll and All I Got Was Played
President Donald Trump is crazier than a shit-house rat. I don’t know what a shit house is or why shit-house rats are crazier than normal rats, but I do know that Trump is even crazier. On Monday, Trump dyed his body with orange Easter egg paint and greeted the children for the annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn. Because Trump was speaking to children for less than a few minutes, I’m sure his staff thought, what could go wrong? God bless his staff for not realizing that Trump needs a teleprompter no matter how light the situation. According to Raw Story, Trump started his speech to children by calling the White House “this house or building or whatever you want to call it because there is no name for it, it is special.” Trump then noted that he and his staff keep the building or whatever you want to call it “in tip-top shape, we call it sometimes tippy-top shape, and it’s a great, great place.” Because “tippy-top shape” … [Read more...] about Donald Trump Sounds Crazy at Easter Egg Roll, Tells Children the Military Is at a Level They’ve Never Seen Before
Donald Trump, father to multiple human offspring, used the 140th Easter Egg Roll, a day of kid-friendly activities at the White House, to talk to the children about how he’s going to get lots of money for the military to fight wars. He also muttered in their tiny, impressionable ears about how the Democrats apparently screwed over DACA recipients. This guy sure knows how to have a good time! While addressing the crowd—flanked by First Lady Melania Trump and some poor staffer dressed as the Easter Bunny—Trump talked about ramping up America’s war machine. “Our military is now at a level where it has never been before. You see what’s happening, and you see what’s happening with funding,” the president said. “The funding of our military was so important and so many military people are with us here today. So, just think of $700 billion because that is all going into our military this year.” And visions of unmanned drone missions … [Read more...] about Trump Uses Easter Egg Roll to Talk to Kids About Funding Wars and Kicking Out Immigrants
Nobody seems to know what is happening with this year’s White House Easter Egg Roll. Are we looking at eggs decorated with gold foil stuffed with Benjamins and John Birch Society flyers, or should we expect something a tad more... chaotic? The New York Times investigated the plans for one of the most visible public events held annually at the White House, and it does not sound like a well-oiled machine. White House officials did not respond to several weeks’ worth of inquiries about the Easter Egg Roll, typically a heavily and enthusiastically promoted affair, and declined to provide basic information such as how many people are expected to attend. It is unclear, for instance, whether Sean Spicer, the White House press secretary, will reprise his appearance in a bunny suit for the event, as he did a decade ago when George W. Bush was president and Mr. Spicer was an aide in the Office of the United States Trade Representative. A refresher, in case you need it: In fact, … [Read more...] about Can the Trump White House Even Manage to Pull Off the Annual Easter Egg Roll?